meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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