I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
we're so committed to being not committed
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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