when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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