Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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