Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize