is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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