Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize