see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
