I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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