He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize