Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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