Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize