I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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