I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
