Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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