remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize