you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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