im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
