grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
