You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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