Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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