I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I wish there were birth control emojis
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
