i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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