Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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