No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
