I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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