Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
