Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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