So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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