I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
