That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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