I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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