i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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