he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Be still, my beating vagina.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
