I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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