I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
