How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
