I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
