He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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