I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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