Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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