Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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