so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Maybe he injected his testicle?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
