he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
