i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
