anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I pour the whiskey from now on
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