The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
