The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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