Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
