AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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