Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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