Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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