false alarm. still invincible.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You are the jesus of drinking
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
