For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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