I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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