is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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