it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
