I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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