my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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