Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
