i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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